The Guardian October 4, 2000

The Miracle Games

by Tom Pearson & Marcus Browning

Dateline: Sydney, Australia
If there were any doubts that these Sydney Olympics were truly the "Miracle 
Games", such doubts have been well and truly dispelled. In the afterglow of 
the mass of flashing lights over Sydney Harbour, which seemed to descend 
from on high, the true meaning of Olympic gold was revealed. The first 
stunning revelation came when IOC President Juan Antonio Samaranch, calling 
the Sydney Games "the best Games ever", announced his and the entire IOC 
membership's resignation effective immediately, to be followed soon after 
by their trial on fraud, theft, misappropriation and other charges.

Samaranch apologised to the international community for poisoning the 
Olympic movement with greed and corruption and said the mass resignation 
was part of a democratisation of the IOC to give the Olympics back to the 
people. He said this meant that the planned honourary IOC membership for 
former US Secretary of State and "warmonger", Henry Kissinger, would not go 

The second revelation came when Prime Minister John Howard was alleged to 
have uttered "Sorry" in connection to Indigenous Australians and the 
terrible injustices perpetrated against them since British colonisation. 
(Eyewitnesses later claimed he was calling "Kerry" in order to get the 
attention of his close friend, media magnate Kerry Packer, in a nearby 
corporate box.)

Nonetheless, the Olympic miracles continued as the PM went on to announce 
that, with the deflation of the last kewpie doll and lights-out after the 
closing ceremony, all legislation enacted by his government aimed at 
totally dispossessing the Indigenous peoples would be repealed.

Mr Howard said his government would also recant its decision not to sign UN 
human rights treaties and will now comply with those treaties Australia is 
already committed to.

To emphasise his sincerity, "as a matter of principle" based on his 
government's atrocious record, "for the good of the nation and by the time 
the firework smoke clears from Sydney Harbour" he will be stepping down as 
Prime Minister.

The PM was speaking after a national television broadcast in which sports 
officials from Cuba and the People's Republic of China outlined their views 
on world sport and the benefits derived from public ownership and control 
of the means of production.

This was a new approach by the capitalist media to address the imbalance 
caused by the "Americanisation" of sport by allowing others to express 
their world view. "I mean, what right have we to cast stones at them", said 
the PM, now fully in the spirit of things as he paraphrased Jesus Christ.

At the state level, NSW Premier Bob Carr responded with a hearty chuckle 
when asked what had happened to all the homeless in the inner city, amid 
rumors they had been rounded up by the authorities and locked away so as 
not to tarnish the city's image during the Olympics.

It transpires that his government had completely booked all the Chevron and 
Novotel Hotels and the homeless had lived in them free of charge for the 
duration of the Games.

Corporate heads from the World Economic Forum in Melbourne and members of 
the IOC "had to make other accommodation arrangements" he said. It was all 
done in secrecy, with the the homeless even given prime event tickets. "We 
didn't want to make a fuss about it", said a coy Premier.

NSW Police Commissioner Peter Ryan's predictions of violent protests and 
terrorists did not eventuate. When asked if the tens of thousands of police 
and military personnel with their high-tech surveillance had in fact found 
any terrorists, Commissioner Ryan said Osama bin Laden, number one on the 
CIA's most wanted list, had been sighted at the women's basketball.

But his security risk status was severely downgraded when it was noted he 
was waving a boxing kangaroo flag and chanting "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, oy, 
oy, oy".

Commissioner Ryan said the outcome of the Games was such that he would be 
advising the Premier and Prime Minister there was no longer any reason to 
have legislation giving the military new powers and that the zero-tolerance 
policing policy he had overseen in NSW was also unnecessary and would be 
ended forthwith.

He is to resign his post as Commissioner, he said, and will be joining 
Greenpeace as an activist, "if they will have me". He will be giving his 
huge yearly salary to the people of NSW to go toward easing the pain of the 
Olympic debt.

Finally, in order to "Celebrate Humanity" the Olympic corporate sponsors  
Coca Cola, IBM, Visa, McDonald's, Time Warner et al  have decided to give 
all their profits from the Sydney Games to the Paralympics. As their 
spokesman told the waiting world media: "We just wanted to share the 

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