The Guardian July 19, 2000


STUFFT NUTS

By now of course, you've read all those GST information leaflets our 
government sent you, and you have a complete understanding of how it all 
works.

You don't? Well never mind, the new system is NUTS  the New Universal 
Taxation System  and although it may appear to be complicated, it is easy 
to understand.

Basically, it is STUFFT  the Simplified Tax Unit For Financial 
Transactions.

Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity, an 
Australian Business Utilisation Number (ABUN) which will be used during 
dealings with governments at all levels. Every business in Australia will 
get ABUN with NUTS.

The new system will simplify the way businesses report to the Australian 
Taxation Collection Head Office Organisation (ATCHOO).

Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table 
And Report Directive (BASTARD) every month. Businesses should set aside at 
least three days every working week to fill the BASTARD out.

Under the new system, every adult Australian taxpayer is classified as a 
SUCKER (Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running), unless they 
are unemployed and receiving commonwealth benefits, in which case they are 
classified as a RATBAG (Registered Australian Taxation Beneficiary 
Allowance Grantee). All SUCKERs and RATBAGs will be required to complete a 
DAFT (Direct Application For Taxation) form.

The completed DAFT form will be assessed by a local MORON (Metropolitan Or 
Regional Outcome Negotiator) who determines the amount of CRAP (Credited 
Refund Allowance Payment) the taxpayer will receive.

Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from 
the Government should contact their local MORON, who will assess the appeal 
and classify it as either STUPID (Secondary Temporarily Unpaid Portion of 
Individual Donation) or IDIOTIC (Income Derived Individual Obligatory 
Taxation Instalment Credit). If you are a RATBAG, you will not be entitled 
to ABUN with NUTS.

You will need to apply for the new allowance provided jointly by both State 
and Federal Governments, JOB (Joint Organisation Benefit). Any RATBAG who 
does not apply for a JOB can get STUFFT.

As from July 1, as all of Australia goes NUTS, small businesses need to 
submit a fortnightly General Allocation Rebate For Business And Goods 
Estimate (GARBAGE) report to the Department for Untaxed Merchandise and 
Produce (DUMP).

Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP before the 30th of each month. All 
small businesses must be registered as Business Utilising Sales Tax (BUST) 
by June 30th, and small businesses employing more than 2.7 workers on a 
regular full-time basis must give each employee the Statutory Assessment 
contribution Kit (SACK) after July 1.

Only when all employees have been given the SACK will the business be 
officially acknowledged as BUST. In order to alleviate any hardship during 
the changeover period, the government will establish a Department of Grants 
and Subsidies. (DOGS).

It is anticipated that, by the end of the next financial year, all business 
will be registered as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS.

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